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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450662">Just Gotta Breathe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/herrib/pseuds/herrib'>herrib</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, and joel is a good dad, basically ellie has a panic attack, but ellie is a stubborn teenager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:54:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/herrib/pseuds/herrib</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“There somethin’ you wanna talk about?” Joel inquired, turning to her. He tried to sound casual, as casual as he could after seeing Ellie break down for the first time in a long while. He knew she’d only push him further away if he didn’t do it right. “You said you had a bad dream.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Just Gotta Breathe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i hadn't written anything in a few days because i was a little stumped with this one... then i woke up this morning and saw that the game was being delayed indefinitely. i'm really sad so i'm posting this anyway, so i can think and start fresh. hang in there everybody :-(</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie and Joel slowly grew apart after they arrived back in Jackson, several years ago. Ellie avoided talking about what had happened to the two of them. She knew the truth, most of it, she told herself. Waking up in the backseat of a car with a hospital gown still clinging to her frame, and a weary looking Joel in the front seat with his shitty explanation said enough, she thought. He hadn’t remembered to clean the fresh blood from his hands or his clothes. The car had the vague stench of copper. She knew what that was from. She never mentioned that to him, though. His lie he had told her right before they entered the small settlement was just another insult added to the injury.</p><p>If only moving on was as simple as Joel made it seem to be.</p><p>Recurring nightmares were commonplace for Ellie. She could usually feel them coming on, on days where her consciousness weighed on her heavily. It made her lethargic, like her entire body was working at half-capacity. She didn’t understand what was taking over her body during those times. It felt like something malevolent had possessed her, and drained her. Dina talked to her about ghosts and demons sometimes, and the early signs of a dark spirit taking hold of someone’s body. Dina had talked about it the last time she slept over at hers, about the books she had the opportunity to read on occasion. Ellie didn’t really believe in that stuff though. It just reminded her of it.</p><p>Coincidentally, when the apathy and pain became more obvious on her face, rings under her eyes grew just as puffy and dark, Ellie would be scheduled for days on the watchtower with Joel, so the two would be home together by nightfall. Just by chance, of course.</p><p>When Ellie had woken up in the middle of the night after her shift in a stir, it didn’t surprise her. It always took her a minute to catch her breath. Fragments of her dream stuck around in her head. They were generally the same. She’d be in that burning restaurant again. She was back in her fourteen-year-old body, terrified and alone. The feeling of being watched consumed her as she walked between booths, over shattered glass and porcelain. Her heart raced so hard that she could hear her pulse, loud, over the cracking flames. Something, someone was stepping toward her.</p><p>The one variable that would change would be the identity of her stalker. Sometimes it was Riley. Other times she would get Sam, Henry, Tess, Marlene. Usually, it would be that man she chose not to name, the one who had stolen the last of her innocence from her in that real place, years ago. They were always in the early stages of infection. Their eyes were always bloodshot and hungry. Shrill screams would gush from their mouths once she had detected them. Immediately, they charged her, arms outstretched, ready to take her throat in hand. She was never strong enough in her dreams to fight them off, or to even yelp in terror once they got her. Her noises were silent. No matter how hard she tried, nothing came out of her mouth. It only added to the despair she felt when they wrapped their hands around her throat, wailing and spitting in her face, and squeezed. Before she blacked out, she’d always wake up.</p><p>Ellie kicked her blankets from her body once she had gained control of her breath. She reached down towards her tee shirt and tugged at the fabric, as it had ridden up her back as she tossed and turned in her sleep. She was drenched in sweat from her nightmare. “Fucking great,” she mumbled to herself.</p><p>Slowly, after a long stretch, Ellie rose from her bed and towards the kitchen. She wasn’t sure of the time. It was likely the early morning hours, from what she could observe. The sky was still mostly dark, other than a small sliver of light just barely starting to climb up and over the pine treeline surrounding them. It was somewhat chilly inside the poorly insulated house, giving Ellie goosebumps as she moved about it. They needed to plastic the windows again before it got really cold, Ellie noted to herself.</p><p>She continued towards their nearly-bare fridge and reached for a canister of water she had placed there before bed. Her nightmares always left her parched, as if she had been gasping for air in her sleep. Maybe she had.</p><p>The strange sensation hit her as soon as she took her first sip. </p><p>Sickening nausea took hold of her stomach suddenly. The urge to vomit overwhelmed her. She nearly dropped the canister when she felt it. Before she could attempt to make a run for the bathroom, garbage, sink, anything, she felt as though her skin had been set ablaze. Her skin ached and burned, from her lower back, to her neck, then to her skull. She felt her throat restrict when the pain reached it. Panic set in. What the fuck is going on? What is this? She asked herself over and over again. Quickly, she reached for the counter next to her, haphazardly dropped the canister there, water spilling and dripping from the countertop. The heat grew more intense with every second. She was lightheaded. Ellie lost her balance then, her knees hitting the hardwood floor with a heavy thud, enough to shake the walls around her. </p><p>“Joel,” Ellie tried to shout, but it came out weak and strained. Visceral fear engulfed her; it was just like her nightmare. She wondered if she was still dreaming, what if she was having a heart attack? What if she was turning, why now? Frantically, Ellie surveyed her arm, around her old scar, rubbing at it. It didn’t hurt, she didn’t see any fungus growing up her arm, but it had to be that, she was burning up and felt like she could throw up everything inside of her, like she was spontaneously combusting. The harder she looked, the more her vision blurred. “Joel!” she cried out, louder, but still cracking and frail from fear.</p><p>Ellie heard commotion from within his bedroom then. Her ears started to ring, reminiscent of the way a close-range gunshot makes them ring, something she was too familiar with. The only thing she could think to do was crawl toward the sound, mustering whatever strength she had in her. She had never been like this. This had to be it.</p><p>Joel bursted from his room, bolting down the hall towards the sound of Ellie’s cries. When he saw her, he nearly froze. “Ellie,” he choked, panicked from the sight of her gasping for breath on the floor. He kneeled in front of her, picking her up. His calloused hands lifted her face. All color was drained from it, sweat trailing from her disheveled hair and down towards her neck. “What happened? Are you hurt?” His gaze moved across her face rapidly, then towards the rest of her body, checking for injury.</p><p>The words came fumbling from Ellie’s mouth desperately. “I-I don’t know, I just got really hot and- Joel, I think I’m turning-” </p><p>“What? No, Ellie that’s no-”</p><p>Then Ellie broke. </p><p>She wailed, a hard sob nearly strangling her as she struggled to catch her breath. Within a second, she wrapped her arms around his bulky frame, and wept. That release was just enough for Ellie to get a hold of herself to speak. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I had a bad dream, and then I felt like I was dying, I think I’m dying Joel,” Ellie gasped again, tripping over each breath. </p><p>Joel sighed softly, receiving her embrace before breaking away. “You’re alright babygirl,” he said, brushing the stray hair away from her face. “You gotta slow down and control your breathin’, okay? Watch.” He took a deep breath, holding it for a moment, before releasing, until Ellie followed suit. She wasn’t sure if it was Joel’s presence, the fact that she wasn’t alone, but her anxiety started to lessen with each even breath she took. The invisible grip on her throat loosened slowly. Her breathing evened out somewhat, the burning and aching beginning to subside. An icy cold feeling took over. She felt exhausted.</p><p>“Good, good. You see? It’s gonna be fine. Can you walk, Ellie?” he reassured her. </p><p>“I need help,” Ellie admitted, quietly, barely above a whisper. As the panic faded, she started to regain her composer. She couldn’t help but redden with embarrassment; she had never been that helpless around Joel, not since she had left that place in her nightmares. Ellie had always told herself that she was capable, and she believed in herself wholeheartedly. She would never break like she did that winter ever again. Having the foundation of her belief shaken so badly, having been brought literally to her knees, in front of someone else left her almost unbearably ashamed. She really, really wanted to stop crying. Joel didn’t comment on it, and she was grateful for that. The old man knew her well.</p><p>Joel took her hands and lifted her to her feet again, unhurriedly, as if she would break had he moved too forcefully. She felt drained, for sure. He wrapped one arm around Ellie’s shoulder and proceeded to guide her to their living room, before carefully placing her upon their timeworn couch. While Joel moved to turn on the lights for her, her eyes dropped to the floor as the last waves of the cold feeling that enveloped her began to ease off. She somewhat felt like herself again.</p><p>“Um, sorry about… that,” Ellie mumbled, sniffling and wiping the last of her tears away from her face.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Joel responded gently. His accent always seemed heavier when he was tired. “Got nothin’ to be sorry about.” He took the knitted blanket from behind the old couch and draped it across Ellie’s shoulders, almost methodically. She was grateful for its warmth.</p><p>“I’ve never had that happen before,” she spoke, more so to herself. Ellie took the blanket between her fingers, toying with the corner of it out of discomfort. She looked up at Joel from across the warmly lit room despite her embarrassment. He sat on the recliner nearby, compelling it to groan under his weight. “How did you know?”</p><p>“They’re uh, panic attacks,” he explained. “Everyone has them sometimes.”</p><p>“So you…?”</p><p>Joel nodded. His eyes glazed over a tad as he looked out toward the window across from him, the way they always did when he had to revisit anything from his memory, before the outbreak. “I, uh, started having them after Sarah was gone,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. “Happens when you’re stressed. It’s scary, but it won’t kill you. Just gotta breathe and wait it out.”</p><p>Ellie nodded and brought her eyes back to the floor.</p><p>“There somethin’ you wanna talk about?” Joel inquired, turning to her. He tried to sound casual, as casual as he could after seeing Ellie break down for the first time in a long while. He knew she’d only push him further away if he didn’t do it right. “You said you had a bad dream.”</p><p>Silence followed.</p><p>“Ellie,” Joel spoke a bit louder. She sighed and wrapped the blanket tighter around her body.</p><p>“I’m good.”</p><p>Joel rubbed at his sleep-heavy eyes, then ran his fingers through his graying hair in defeat. He figured she wouldn’t give him much to go off of. “Alright, then.” As he pushed himself off of the chair and moved away from her, she turned to him.</p><p>“Wait,” Ellie called out, stopping him at the doorway. He looked towards her, and she drew her gaze back toward the floor. “Are you going back to bed?”</p><p>“Was gonna try to get some more sleep before we go on shift later, yeah.”</p><p>“Can you sleep out here? Please?” Ellie asked softly, and Joel nodded in agreement. The two settled into their respective spots; Joel moved back to his recliner, pulling the lever and making it squeal as he laid back, and Ellie sunk further into their couch. A slight smile stretched across Joel’s face as he wrapped himself in his own blanket. Nostalgia washed over him then.</p><p>“What?” Ellie questioned.</p><p>“Nothin’, it’s just funny when kids get to be kids again. It seems out of place now, I guess.”</p><p>Ellie looked at him quizzically, her eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“I had bad dreams when I was little, and I’d get up in the middle of the night and wake both my parents up, get in between the two of them and fall asleep again. Sarah did the same thing, waking me up,” Joel reflected. Ellie couldn’t tell if he was reflecting on the thought as a fond memory, or just as a reminder of his loss. What everyone lost after the outbreak. “Some things never change.”</p><p>Ellie hummed in acknowledgement. She was too tired to respond.</p><p>“You can talk to me about anything kiddo. Just remember that.”</p><p>“I know,” Ellie sighed as she pulled her blanket up even closer to her chin. She let the silence consume them both, more so for Joel’s sake, since he needed the extra sleep. She tried her best to push the jumbled thoughts in her head aside so she could rest, reset the day in front of her, and get some sleep.</p><p>She didn't.</p>
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